Classroom Birthday Party

Dear Class Mom,

Yes ....I know that we are planning to bring something in to celebrate our kid's birthday that both happen to fall in the month of September.

Yes, I know that your daughter has an allergy to wheat, dairy, eggs, milk, cheese, yada ......yada ....yada.....

Yes, I know that last year I made those great tasting rice crispy treats ......

BUT .....

I'M NOT DOING THAT CRAP AGAIN .... NO WAY ....

FIRST...

MY 2 high end Caphlon pots look like they were burned in Chernobyl......

Don't dismay ......the gym teacher is still getting good use out of the burnt rice crispy treats a full year later .... as sporting equipment for the 5th grade intermural soccer team.


Your idea of bringing in a healthy snack .........apples and honey (in honor of the holiday) to celebrate our kid's birthdays ....SUCKS ASS.

Who ever heard of blowing out a flaming apple????

Your other suggestion ...That I run out to Junior's, and pick your daughter up her own 13 dollar slice of cheesecake.....shows me one thing ....THAT YOU ARE A CRAZY MESHUGENAH CUNT!!!!!!!

Get this straight ......

You will eat the Betty Crocker Vanilla Cupcakes that I will frost in the back of my Jeep 15 minutes before the party ...

Oh....BTW ....you may want to brush off the ashes from my Camel Light ....(it's not sprinkles) ....and pick out some of the dog hair.

Happy Birthday DAK and Allergy Girl.

Note to my waiter this afternoon.....

Sorry, I sent my Burrito Bel Grande back...... not once........ but twice .....


It really only needed another 30 seconds in the microwave.

After listening to my father (who s in his early 100s at this point) bring various waitstaff and patrons into a homicidal rage......... it it something that I back off from doing.

I imagine, after much complaining in fine establishments all over the globe, he has ingested more body fluids than the Port Authority urinal and Jenna Jameson combined.

Bon Appetit

Yard Sale

Thank you retarded kid for selling me all your beloved Lego bionicles 2 for a dollar while your mother left you unattended outside at your yard sale.

Sorry I didn't say goodbye .....but your mother was heading outside and I didn't want to be there and watch you get into trouble.

Leader of the Pack

My son is the leader of a very special group of 8 year olds......

I like to call them the kids from "Planet 10" ...

The person who said birds of a feather wasn't kidding .............................In this case it's more like a Children of the Corn cast party when they get together ....

Lets run down the cast.....


There is BND- (Boy Next Door) That took from Sept 08 to June 09 to start closing my car door at drop off upon exit . When we finally nailed that down after 9 months ....the summer break took its toll and now we are back to square one.

There is Satan- The kid that I'm temped to shave his blonde curls and look for signs that he is the antichrist. His mother was nice enough to tell me to watch out for him around dogs because he bites .......and she was taking about her kid.

There is The Itcher - He has allergies to dairy, eggs, wheat, barley, pets, seafood, plants, did I say eggs........saliva from living creatures, dead bugs ....(he can't smell them or eat them).....and the list goes on..... Amazing enough the one food that he has no reaction to is McDonald's chicken nuggets ....go figure?

and

There's DAK (Day after Kid) that has sent one teacher into early retirement, one teacher to seek an easier line of work( perhaps teaching kindergarden to Taliban children in the hills of Afghanistan), and not be forgotten 2 evaluators and 1 child therapist to their breaking point.


It's going to be a long year.

Bathroom Time

My good friend (Fire Starter Mom) and I were talking this morning ......Her soon to be 13 year old son is spending "way too much time in the bathroom " ......and......"she does not know what he is doing in there"......

WHAT?????


REALLY ????

and worst of all .....

"SHE'S THINKING ABOUT PUTTING A CLOCK IN THEIR JOHN" !!!!!!!.......and ........

"SHE CANT" IMAGINE WHAT HE'S DOING IN THERE??????????"

I have a few ideas but I wasn't ready to share them with her or maybe she wasn't ready to hear them.

I did tell her if she ever wants her son to ejaculate properly she needs to back off . I also wondered if she was asleep during that whole chapter on "Freud and the Importance of Peaceful Crapping " during PSYCH 101.

It's not like I can't related to this 13 year old. The bathroom is my favorite room in the house. If I could install a mini fridge, flat screen, and have a high speed Internet connection and a quart of Fabreeze ...... I too would be in there for days. It happens to be my domain .....and the only room in my house with a door that locks.

Okay So I'm Not Winning Any Awards

DAK (Day after kid) just ran up the stairs .....grabbed a fistful of Oreos and screamed ,

"What's the horrible smell "????????


and I told him ....

"Dinner"

Oprah

Got a full frontal of Oprah this afternoon ......What the fuck happened ????????? Did she eat a person or what ?????? In this case not even the miracle of Spanx can do the job...

Forget about hooking up with Bob Green again and "Making a Connection". She has a long way back down to seeing the scale hit 150 again.

Oprah can buy and sell the world, right? .....

She has the power and money to do anything .....


Just a thought ....


She should buy one of those useless states like .......uh..........What's the one Bill and Hilary came from???? Right!!!!!!........Arkansas..... and fill it will people that weight over 250 lbs.... instead of offering people cars like she usually does ...she can offer these people free homes and Whopper Juniors.

It's just following my simple rule while I was trying to date .....


"you want to look pretty ....hang out with a lot of ugly chicks ..."

" you want to look thin hang out with fat people "

Summer Vacation

Some cruel joke, hu???


10 weeks off ????? and just in case you weren't ready to shoot yourself in the head from the sadistic plot against.... my fellow breeders. ...in the summer of 2009 they gave kids off another week. I think think they should call this - Final Nail in the Coffin. Someone at the Board Of Ed. must have had their knee caps smashed one too many times by a Bugaboo stroller.


It's not like my kids didn't have fun this summer .....drama camp ( because 12 year old girls need more drama in their lives) , and DAK, (Day After Kid) went back to his beloved YMCA (where he sings, " I HATE THE YMCA"-Village People style - every morning at the top of his lungs in the lobby.)

Let's not forget ending the summer in Montauk. Beautiful beach, amazing seafood, nature (which I could do without), and Ralph Lauren almost running me over with his sports car on Montauk Hwy.

First, going away with kids to a nice vacation place I will equate with winning an all expense paid trip to Paris. You spend hours getting there........you're excited about all the things that you want to do while you're in Paris .....you land at Charles De Gaul Airport ......and then you never get to leave the freaking runway.

so close and yet so far.......