Black Friday

Phatush does not believe that Toy R Us is not answering their phones today ....on Black Friday ....Are they busy or what ? It's not like they are hosting a Mensa convention in the Barbie aisle ..... Phatush just wants to price check 20 or so items ....find out if they can hold about a dozen Zhu Zhu Pets until she can get over there on Saturday afternoon .....and if they will be able to put together a bike she bought at Target last year...

Is all this so wrong?

Twilight

DRWB (Diana Ross Wanna Be) doesn't get it. She barely made it past 3 chapters in the 1st book. She might see the movie when it comes out on video. She doesn't like Miley Cyrus or the Jonas Brothers.

She feels like Phatush does ......The only people who like Twilight are mid-western teens and their fat moms.

Phatush and DRWB watch the news this morning and a group of Twilight fans have just left the 4am show of the movie. They are interviewed by the reporter, and screech about the teen star and how much they love him ......and end the interview by saying ...."The movie is so realistic"

WHAT ??

Listen, little misguided suburban freak .....no 17 year old handsome vampire is showing up at your high to school to declare his love and protection for you. Not happening !!! If you want to make a real movie about a 17 year old boy it should have a certain dose of reality... It should be about a 17 year old that wants to get you drunk at a kegger and get your skinny jeans around your ankles...... blood sucking isn't really on his mind. (only half true).

Boys at 17 years old are simple.... each one of their testicles are screaming me first ....and things like proms and romance are not really on their radar.

For now DRWB stick with watching old Beatles videos on Youtube.

Phatush and Alcoholics Anonymous

Yup.... Phatush needs help and believes A.A. is the place for her...


Does she struggle with drugs and alcohol?.......Well .......not so much.

Except for a bad episode one Passover with a manischewitz Dry Malaga Wine Cooler, she has never had a problem with her alcohol intake.

So why AA now ????

Millions of people worldwide have found help and support in the rooms....... all true.

Does Phatush need 90 meetings in 90 days? Again, not so much.

She needs other help around alcohol use and abuse.

Phatush works in a infamous Brooklyn bar on the weekends. Late at night, it's hard to get a cab to take her home a mere 20 blocks away..... So this is where AA comes in.
Phatush knows that there is an emergency help line that gets people away from bars and drinking and brings them home safely...... Trust me..... after working from 7pm to 5am, Phatush needs to be as far away from booze and people boozing as humanly possible. She doesn't think she would have much trouble making the crisis call at the end of a long night.

It would go something like this......

CW (Crisis Worker)- Hello, How can I help you tonight?

Phatush- I'm outside this bar..... My clothes and hair smell like whiskey...... I feel disgusting...... I really don't want to go back inside...... I'm scared for my mental health.....

CW- I understand.

Phatush- I need to leave here ASAP. Can you send someone to come get me?...I don't ever want to serve... ahhhh... I mean..... drink again.

CW- Of course you don't.

Phatush - I feel powerless......

CW- That's the first step....

Phatush- No, the first step is really getting me the fuck home.....

CW- We will send someone to get you right away.

Phatush- Great.... I'll be the one locking up... I mean..... waiting outside with the purse full of singles.

Phatush is not sure how many times she can play this game before the well intended AA members catch on. So there is a back up plan.

Phatush will attend various AA meeting and grab herself a sponsor. The whole idea of being able to reach out to someone at any time to get help and support is not something to be taken lightly. Phatush knows first hand that good help often does not come cheap. Her own therapist, after years treatment, has added the "Phatush Sun Porch and Game Room" to her upstate home.

AA meetings ????..... Not a problem.... Phatush can listen to people ramble on for hours without a problem. If only they offered free babysitting.... Not to mention the crap coffee and cookies.... Sign her up.

So a sponsor is really the best way to go.... Phatush would reach out for free help to her sponsor and get her needs met. She'll get help with the issues that come up daily:

• How long do you cook at 7 lbs. chicken at 350 degrees?
• How do you get blood off of drapes?
• Can you pick DAK (Day After Kid) up at 3:10 since I need at nap?
• I'm overdrawn again.... Can you deposit $100 to my Citibank checking?

Phatush would think of a sponsor as her own 24 hour personal assistant.....


She's looking up the meeting list now.... and opening a beer.

Phatush at the Movies

Any multiplex should just ban ticket sales to Phatush. She belongs home watching DVDs and taking frequent breaks to ask questions and use the bathroom.

Like most Jewish women, Phatush needs to use the bathroom every 20 minutes and is not ready to wear adult diapers just to watch SAW 6.

Phatush likes to sit right in the middle of the theater.... and in the middle of the row. Not so difficult if there is a lot of empty seating..... but here is where it gets tricky...... she also likes to see a movie in the first week that comes out. Can you say "packed theater?" Over the years many movie patrons have been treated to an extra special pee/lap dance from Phatush as she works her way toward the exit.

Phatush never shuts the hell up.....at any given moment she might decide to rehash a conversation/fight with the Time Warner cable guy she had earlier in the day..... or link the actor that she is currently watching (...or any actor....) to JACK BLACK.... because, after all, he bought her a drink about 110 years ago in a bar on 12th Street.


Phatush likes to ask questions to the person next to her about plot, character development, and what happened in the movie 20 minutes prior. Lets face it..... if the plot get more complicated than Weekend at Bernie's..... Phatush is lost.

Phatush laughs at all the things most people don't find funny..... you name it: death, famine, war, and random acts of violence leave her in stitches. This started with Brian's Song at age 8 and continues.

Phatush will never pay movie theater concession prices. She thinks they are outrageous. She thinks nothing of sneaking in her own popcorn, water, soda, candy, 3 course sushi dinner...... just for starters.


One word about her movie viewing ....

Netflix

Open Letter to Sanitation Worker

Dear NYC Sanitation Workers,

Thank you so much for taking time out of your busy day to "cat call" at me this morning.

I know that you have lots to do on my block..... but still you found the time to comment on my ass as I was exiting my truck.

I have some questions........

What exactly was it that turned you on about me ? At this point I could only offer up the following guesses....

Was it the way my ever expanding ass looked in my sweat pants? ....r the peek-a-boo granny panties that were showing as I bent over to get my stuff in the back seat?

I know. It was the way I skillfully managed those four bags from Keyfood - while my keys dangled from my mouth - as I slammed the car door shut with one knee. Were you thinking how well I manage to multi-task?

Was it about the way I screamed at 8 year DAK to get out of the car..... and quit screwing around ? .....Were you secretly wishing I was standing over you giving you commands?

Trust me...... yelling at people is really a skill I've perfected.

It's not like your offer wasn't tempting........ I mean..... Duh.....who wouldn't want to do it in the back of a garbage truck?

To be honest? ...I'd love to hear back from you. Things are a little slow on the home front and I think you guys are the ones for me.

Phatush the Liar

So Phatush lies..... Big deal....

She's a poser of the worst kind. She has recently been reminded of just how uncool she really is. It's not that she ever thought she emanated the coolness vibe, it's just that she thought she had kept the fat girl..... show-tune-singing.... James Taylor-playing.... Judy Blume-reading.....
nerd kind of hidden.

Let's just say it takes more than some bitchin' highlights and a trip to Marc Jacobs to make you shake off your past. You may go years without thinking of that scary place until that one day you discover........... FACEBOOK.

Being on Facebook is like attending your high school reunion.... In your sweatpants....

And so the story goes....

Phatush looks up a name on Facebook that has been stored in the back of her brain since the days when she used to read Ziggy cartoons...... and there he appears.... just like that:

GPBB (Guitar Playing Bad Boy).... Looking pretty much the same.

GPBB has no idea who Phatush is....... and doesn't remember her following him around school..... until it hits him.... and he writes back in all CAPS: "WEREN'T YOU ANNIE?"

Fuck..... Fuck..... Fuck.........

"Yes.... I guess I was," Phatush responds....

Just how Phatush wants to be remembered .....Annie ......that smokin hot piece of ass.

And so the reality check begins:

Let's just go over some of the lies..... no, that's too strong...... untruths? that Phatush has told:

Yes it's true - Phatush was not raised by two commie parents who took her to India to live with a Yogi at an ashram when they discovered Buddhism...

In fact, the last major discovery Phatush's dad, COD (Crabby Old Dude), made was the chicken orzo soup at the Merrick Townhouse Diner.

Phatush's parents in fact never joined the Black Panthers...... or marched with Malcom X.....
The only membership they ever had was to the Wantagh Jewish Center for High Holiday services.

COD never organized the revolt of union workers on the Lower East Side.... but once got all of Cub Scout troop 330 in Levittown to shut up by using the F word.

COD never protested the Vietnam war.... but did lead a walk-out at the local bagel store after they ran out of egg-onion bagels on Sunday morning.

Phatush's mom, BM (Brisket Maker), actually never went to rehab for alcohol and pills.....
(Note to all my friends: She wasn't drunk when she was driving us around... She was just a shitty driver.)

By the way... in 10th grade, when Phatush informed her entire class that Claudette, the 310-pound Trinidadian woman living at her house was her new step-mom... she wasn't.
In fact, she was her ailing grandmother's full-time home health care attendant....
(A shout out to you, Claudette, wherever you are - you made a slammin' jerk chicken.)

Oh, and one more thing - Phatush was never actually enrolled in any experimental/collaborative team-teaching program that didn't utilize a grades or issue report cards... she just got to the mailbox first and tossed hers.

.... Are we keeping score here?

Okay.... You win, GPBB..... It's like you said:

"You're not so tough... You're just a little Jewish girl from Wantagh."

Late Night TV Shopping

With recent bouts of insomnia Phatush is up doing some late night TV viewing.....

She's confused.....

Let's just say the choices are endless...... and late night info-mericals have kept her riveted to the TV.


For a mere $399 she can purchase a 3 bedroom house that has been foreclosed on in Chattanooga, Tennessee..... (not sure that this is a bargain) with a 2 car garage.... (interior is not shown...)

OR:

For $89.99 on Shoperotictv the 8 inch Vibrating Dong can be purchased.... in either blue or purple.....


Okay, so a new home to live in for about 400 bucks....
.... or Phatush can rub one off for under a 100.........

4 Dongs... or a New House..... Hummmmm????
.... Dong is waterproof..... Does the roof leak?
.... Dong can fit in a purse for easy carry-on access..... House has a 2 car garage....You can park your car in the 2 car garage ....you can park Dong ....uh...nevermind....
.... Dong has 8 multiple speeds and takes 4 DD batteries...... House has had all the appliances removed by angry foreclosed-on previous owners....

Choices.... Choices..... Choices.....

We live in a such a great country....