Phatush the Liar

So Phatush lies..... Big deal....

She's a poser of the worst kind. She has recently been reminded of just how uncool she really is. It's not that she ever thought she emanated the coolness vibe, it's just that she thought she had kept the fat girl..... show-tune-singing.... James Taylor-playing.... Judy Blume-reading.....
nerd kind of hidden.

Let's just say it takes more than some bitchin' highlights and a trip to Marc Jacobs to make you shake off your past. You may go years without thinking of that scary place until that one day you discover........... FACEBOOK.

Being on Facebook is like attending your high school reunion.... In your sweatpants....

And so the story goes....

Phatush looks up a name on Facebook that has been stored in the back of her brain since the days when she used to read Ziggy cartoons...... and there he appears.... just like that:

GPBB (Guitar Playing Bad Boy).... Looking pretty much the same.

GPBB has no idea who Phatush is....... and doesn't remember her following him around school..... until it hits him.... and he writes back in all CAPS: "WEREN'T YOU ANNIE?"

Fuck..... Fuck..... Fuck.........

"Yes.... I guess I was," Phatush responds....

Just how Phatush wants to be remembered .....Annie ......that smokin hot piece of ass.

And so the reality check begins:

Let's just go over some of the lies..... no, that's too strong...... untruths? that Phatush has told:

Yes it's true - Phatush was not raised by two commie parents who took her to India to live with a Yogi at an ashram when they discovered Buddhism...

In fact, the last major discovery Phatush's dad, COD (Crabby Old Dude), made was the chicken orzo soup at the Merrick Townhouse Diner.

Phatush's parents in fact never joined the Black Panthers...... or marched with Malcom X.....
The only membership they ever had was to the Wantagh Jewish Center for High Holiday services.

COD never organized the revolt of union workers on the Lower East Side.... but once got all of Cub Scout troop 330 in Levittown to shut up by using the F word.

COD never protested the Vietnam war.... but did lead a walk-out at the local bagel store after they ran out of egg-onion bagels on Sunday morning.

Phatush's mom, BM (Brisket Maker), actually never went to rehab for alcohol and pills.....
(Note to all my friends: She wasn't drunk when she was driving us around... She was just a shitty driver.)

By the way... in 10th grade, when Phatush informed her entire class that Claudette, the 310-pound Trinidadian woman living at her house was her new step-mom... she wasn't.
In fact, she was her ailing grandmother's full-time home health care attendant....
(A shout out to you, Claudette, wherever you are - you made a slammin' jerk chicken.)

Oh, and one more thing - Phatush was never actually enrolled in any experimental/collaborative team-teaching program that didn't utilize a grades or issue report cards... she just got to the mailbox first and tossed hers.

.... Are we keeping score here?

Okay.... You win, GPBB..... It's like you said:

"You're not so tough... You're just a little Jewish girl from Wantagh."