In the Land of Crazy

Somewhere in the land of crazy.......otherwise known as Park Slope people have too much time, and money to think about very simple issues regarding their children.

Today someone posted on Park Slope Parents that they would like to hire a sleep coach to help their 7 month old return back to sleep in the middle of the night...

WHAT ?????????

THIS IS A PAYING JOB????

WHERE DO I SIGN??????

Trust me...... I'm no Dr. Spock , but I think I got this one covered.

Sleeping is something that excel at. I have logged in more than I few hours of sleeping, and have 2 kids . I would like to offer some advice.

Consider this my official job application....

1) When your child wakes up in the middle of the night, and starts to cry..... gently walk down into their room and try something like this.......

"DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE HELL TIME IT IS ?????????????? ....GO BACK TO SLEEP" (Any variation of that would work )

2) If your child can leave their sleeping quarters during the night ...before your nightly shot of bourbon explain the rules .....

DON'T COME OUT OF YOUR ROOM UNLESS YOU ARE ON FIRE ....

This is a tough one ....They may think it is okay to leave their room IF there is a fire ....but it needs to be clarified ....IF there is a fire you will come down and put it out ....the they are ON fire ...it is okay to come get you.

3) Try moving your children as far away from your sleeping quarters as possible. Phatush's brother, who lives in a Texas McMansion ,has his children's bedroom so far away from his....... I think they are in a different zip code.

4) Cough medicine !!!!!!!! If either one of my children so much as sneezes after 4pm ....It's a done deal ....

Happy sleeping ....I'm here if you need me.

I Need Help From the Church

Today, DRWB (Diana Ross Wanna Be) .....(now 10.5) and ready for middle school ,or prison (whatever comes first) threw an all out shit fit in the car on the way home from school.

Damn , I thought it was Campaign for Kindness Month at school ....or Don't Crap on Your Mom Week. Whatever....I started looking for one of those Mutual of Omaha Wild Kingdom Stun Guns to calm her down. The one that sedates wild animals in their natural habitat.


What was wrong with DRWB???????? .......she didn't get that part she wanted in after school drama class. She threatened death to herself and her beloved drama teacher, LAOE ( Law and Order Extra)

At this point I'm not sure what to do .....but I do know that if they decide to re-make the exorcist I have their leading lady .....head spins .....pea soup....you name it.

Forget about calling a child therapist I was going to stop by St. Mary's church and ask if they could perform an emergency excorisim.

While searching the house for a little league bat....to knock myself unconscious... I gave my email a quick glance ....LAOE had sent a follow-up email correcting his life altering casting mistake and DRWB had the part she had originally wanted. When I told DRWB of the correction , and that the universe was at peace again....She responded as follows , "Great mom ...thanks ...uh.....can I finish watching Zack and Cody"

WTF!!!!!!!!!!

What Not To Wear- To The Deli

Of all the celebrities that made the recent move to Brooklyn to slum it in their 2.5 million dollar homes I can think of none more horrifying than the new chick that now greets me the local deli.

Delis for me are my holy mecca. My urban drive-thru where I can get lunch for the next day, or visit my two old boyfriends- Benny and Jerry.

WHY .....WHY DID SHE HAVE TO INVADE MY DELI....?

I'M TALKING ABOUT STACEY LONDON- HOST OF WHAT NOT TO WEAR!!!!!!!

I'll describe our brief encounter....

Phatush -Wearing - stained tee (down to my knees), period stained PJ bottoms, UGG boots, and GAP kids denim jacket. Hair was up in a John Belushi samurai ponytail.

Stacey- looking lovely - No idea what she was sporting, but she didn't look homeless.

I looked down at my unmade bed attire, she gave my a once over ......took her bottles of water and headed for the door. Outside she was making a call, and I think I overheard something like this.

Stacey -" CLEAR ALL OF OF MAY .....I FOUND HER.....IT'S SWEEPS......I HAVE OUR TWO HOUR SPECIAL"

Okay......so maybe I just imagined what she was saying on her cell.

After a week of hiding in the house, and sending my children to see if the block is clear of all camera crews ,and ambushes I have now decided to take another approach..

I'M GETTING ON THE SHOW !!!

It's 5 grand to shop with, and that's a lot of stuff from Sam's Salvage.

Here's the plan....

I whip out some of my "best of " outfits and I'm sure it's a done deal.


1) 1976 -Olivia Newton John - Lets Get Physical attire including leg warmers and matching headband

2) 9th grade Gunne Sack prom dress with my really cool Sun-In highlights

3) 1986 Sergio Techni purple warm -up suit, and great mullet haircut. All I needed was a whistle and I could have been someones lesbian high school gym teacher. Think about all the dates I could have landed at the Clit Club back then.

4) Dreadlocks , red bandanna, black bike shorts, and my Metalica tee-shirt.
Shit- I still wear that one.

5) My Farrah hair in the 5th grade .... (my wings were so intense that they met in the back of my head and it looked like a ass crack)

Okay Stacy - I'm gunning for you ....It's On.

It's Offical- I'M A SLOB

Did I just get into full on battle with the nice lady at the Korean deli?????? YUP

Shit ....Doesn't she give my kids candy when they come in .....and doesn't mind when they start pulling things off the shelves????? ...YUP...

Satan has not take over me .....

It's not like I don't know better ....I spend the weekend serving people that I'm sure John Walsh is looking for on America's Most Wanted. (Note to self......they owe me about 6 grand in reward money...call UPN)


I'm not a junkie looking for my next fix on Ave. C...

I'm just a hungry fat bitch that didn't get enough turkey on my sandwich and lost my shit ....
....THAT'S RIGHT. I did all my Lane Bryant sisters proud ...

I yelled at this nice woman because there was not enough meat on my 5 dollar sandwich...

It wasn't about the $$$$ spent ....

It wasn't about hunger .....

It was about feeling like I can't get enough....enough of anything ...