What Not To Wear- To The Deli

Of all the celebrities that made the recent move to Brooklyn to slum it in their 2.5 million dollar homes I can think of none more horrifying than the new chick that now greets me the local deli.

Delis for me are my holy mecca. My urban drive-thru where I can get lunch for the next day, or visit my two old boyfriends- Benny and Jerry.

WHY .....WHY DID SHE HAVE TO INVADE MY DELI....?

I'M TALKING ABOUT STACEY LONDON- HOST OF WHAT NOT TO WEAR!!!!!!!

I'll describe our brief encounter....

Phatush -Wearing - stained tee (down to my knees), period stained PJ bottoms, UGG boots, and GAP kids denim jacket. Hair was up in a John Belushi samurai ponytail.

Stacey- looking lovely - No idea what she was sporting, but she didn't look homeless.

I looked down at my unmade bed attire, she gave my a once over ......took her bottles of water and headed for the door. Outside she was making a call, and I think I overheard something like this.

Stacey -" CLEAR ALL OF OF MAY .....I FOUND HER.....IT'S SWEEPS......I HAVE OUR TWO HOUR SPECIAL"

Okay......so maybe I just imagined what she was saying on her cell.

After a week of hiding in the house, and sending my children to see if the block is clear of all camera crews ,and ambushes I have now decided to take another approach..

I'M GETTING ON THE SHOW !!!

It's 5 grand to shop with, and that's a lot of stuff from Sam's Salvage.

Here's the plan....

I whip out some of my "best of " outfits and I'm sure it's a done deal.


1) 1976 -Olivia Newton John - Lets Get Physical attire including leg warmers and matching headband

2) 9th grade Gunne Sack prom dress with my really cool Sun-In highlights

3) 1986 Sergio Techni purple warm -up suit, and great mullet haircut. All I needed was a whistle and I could have been someones lesbian high school gym teacher. Think about all the dates I could have landed at the Clit Club back then.

4) Dreadlocks , red bandanna, black bike shorts, and my Metalica tee-shirt.
Shit- I still wear that one.

5) My Farrah hair in the 5th grade .... (my wings were so intense that they met in the back of my head and it looked like a ass crack)

Okay Stacy - I'm gunning for you ....It's On.