In the Land of Crazy

Somewhere in the land of crazy.......otherwise known as Park Slope people have too much time, and money to think about very simple issues regarding their children.

Today someone posted on Park Slope Parents that they would like to hire a sleep coach to help their 7 month old return back to sleep in the middle of the night...

WHAT ?????????

THIS IS A PAYING JOB????

WHERE DO I SIGN??????

Trust me...... I'm no Dr. Spock , but I think I got this one covered.

Sleeping is something that excel at. I have logged in more than I few hours of sleeping, and have 2 kids . I would like to offer some advice.

Consider this my official job application....

1) When your child wakes up in the middle of the night, and starts to cry..... gently walk down into their room and try something like this.......

"DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE HELL TIME IT IS ?????????????? ....GO BACK TO SLEEP" (Any variation of that would work )

2) If your child can leave their sleeping quarters during the night ...before your nightly shot of bourbon explain the rules .....

DON'T COME OUT OF YOUR ROOM UNLESS YOU ARE ON FIRE ....

This is a tough one ....They may think it is okay to leave their room IF there is a fire ....but it needs to be clarified ....IF there is a fire you will come down and put it out ....the they are ON fire ...it is okay to come get you.

3) Try moving your children as far away from your sleeping quarters as possible. Phatush's brother, who lives in a Texas McMansion ,has his children's bedroom so far away from his....... I think they are in a different zip code.

4) Cough medicine !!!!!!!! If either one of my children so much as sneezes after 4pm ....It's a done deal ....

Happy sleeping ....I'm here if you need me.