What not to do at the MAC store

NEVER ...NEVER ...go into the MAC make-up store 45 minutes before work and ask for "smoky eyes"

Although this look is great on those genetic freaks that walk the runway ........on a real girl you will resemble the following ...

Rocky ....right after he fought Mr.T in Rocky 3 ...(where he got the shit kicked out of him, and lost the title )

OR

If you're lucky you'll look like a hot tranny mess ......(this company has Rue Paul do their last ad campaign......that should have been my first clue )


For the record ,I could almost feel myself grow a cock and balls during the mascara application.....

Phatush Unplugged - I Have No Filter

I have evil thoughts ....

I say things out loud that I shouldn't say ......thoughts that spring up that should remain quiet.....

Friends ask why I get to say the things that others just think.....and why I can't control my mouth....

It goes as follows ......

At work...... some hipster in black orders Jaegermeister and Red Bull ....I say , "Why don't I just throw up in shot glass for you ...."

I tell a mom at school that she has camel toe and needs to stop showing up at school and embarrassing her 11 year old.

I tell B.H. (Baggage Handler) that if he doesn't stop snoring I will hit him in the face with the plastic bat that I keep under my bed. Truth- I've done it. He puts up with lots of crap.....

I tell my dad that he is older than dirt, and needs to update his will.

I tell friends .....if I have to listen to one more children's cd I'm going to ram a #2 pencil into my ear drum to stop the sound from penetrating.

I tell F.C. (Fantasy Crush) that I want to spend 3 days away from my life in a crappy Motel 6 with him .

I tell my kids if they keep making noise in the back seat that I will drop them at foster care in East New York.

I tell the guy who just honked me to "BLOW ME".

I tell anyone who will listen I want to see Hannah Montana ass raped by a silver back gorilla.

I tell an 87 year old neighborhood icon -" Why aren't you dead yet? "

I often say ........I want to play the soundtrack from High School Musical backwards and listen for messages from Satan.

I tell my ex-husband that his girlfriend/ex-babysitter has gone from looking cute a few years ago...to looking like a Triblinka prison guard .....(those Eastern European woman age about as well as the 30 year old dancers at Peep World)

I tell the dog ...............that I hate him and he's going to be homeless for chewing my new shoes and Ipod nano.

I tell my friend who husband has not had sex with her in 3 months -that he's probably banging someone else.

I tell people that I miss them ....I don't.

I tell people that I love them....I don't.

Okay .....I have said these things .........or thought these things ..........same thing .....kept my mouth shut .....or open ......what difference does it make?. I'm me.

Summer Camp

Last week DAK (Day After Kid) was dropped /deposited at the YMCA for summer camp .

I was trying to high-tail it out of there........... at rocket speed, when he asked for a roll of quarters for a field trip.

A ROLL OF QUARTERS ?????

Where was the Y taking them????? FOXWOODS CASINO !!!

At first I wanted to tell him to play 36 RED ....but I decided to ask a staff member where the trip was going .....Turns out they were heading to some arcade upstate ,"NEW JACK CITY" (That's a movie about crackheads in uptown Manhattan , right ????)

This is a far cry from CAMP TRIBLINKA in the Poconos that I went to ........ we learned how to hike, roast marshmallows , and talk about how everyone hates Jews around the campfire.....

I guess the arcade doesn't sound too bad .....