Phatush Unplugged - I Have No Filter

I have evil thoughts ....

I say things out loud that I shouldn't say ......thoughts that spring up that should remain quiet.....

Friends ask why I get to say the things that others just think.....and why I can't control my mouth....

It goes as follows ......

At work...... some hipster in black orders Jaegermeister and Red Bull ....I say , "Why don't I just throw up in shot glass for you ...."

I tell a mom at school that she has camel toe and needs to stop showing up at school and embarrassing her 11 year old.

I tell B.H. (Baggage Handler) that if he doesn't stop snoring I will hit him in the face with the plastic bat that I keep under my bed. Truth- I've done it. He puts up with lots of crap.....

I tell my dad that he is older than dirt, and needs to update his will.

I tell friends .....if I have to listen to one more children's cd I'm going to ram a #2 pencil into my ear drum to stop the sound from penetrating.

I tell F.C. (Fantasy Crush) that I want to spend 3 days away from my life in a crappy Motel 6 with him .

I tell my kids if they keep making noise in the back seat that I will drop them at foster care in East New York.

I tell the guy who just honked me to "BLOW ME".

I tell anyone who will listen I want to see Hannah Montana ass raped by a silver back gorilla.

I tell an 87 year old neighborhood icon -" Why aren't you dead yet? "

I often say ........I want to play the soundtrack from High School Musical backwards and listen for messages from Satan.

I tell my ex-husband that his girlfriend/ex-babysitter has gone from looking cute a few years ago...to looking like a Triblinka prison guard .....(those Eastern European woman age about as well as the 30 year old dancers at Peep World)

I tell the dog ...............that I hate him and he's going to be homeless for chewing my new shoes and Ipod nano.

I tell my friend who husband has not had sex with her in 3 months -that he's probably banging someone else.

I tell people that I miss them ....I don't.

I tell people that I love them....I don't.

Okay .....I have said these things .........or thought these things ..........same thing .....kept my mouth shut .....or open ......what difference does it make?. I'm me.