What it Should Be

After a relationship ends you find yourself in the cleanup phase. Much like how Florida is now trying to dig themselves out of the rubble of this summer's onslought of hurricanes, I'm trying to do the same. Florida found itself getting millions of dollars assistance; but since I've yet to acheive the status of a swing state, I'm not as fortunate. My therapy is not even covered by my health insurance.

In the aftermath I find myself wondering what a "real" relationship should look like. I'm not talking about the couples slobbering all over each other on the 6 train at 2 am, or the Saturday afternoon stroller couples juggling lattes and navigating the aisles of Keyfoods. I'm talking about a deeper connection. The desire to make someone happy and be one another's permanent umberalla in the shit storm of life. The people who drive each other crazy on a day to day basis, but every evening know that they would have their life no other way. Wondering not if they could live each day with the other, but if they could live without that person. My shrink once told me, "To be single is to be lonely and isolated, and to be in a realtionship is to be perpetually annoyed." I guess it's comes down to how you deal with the annoyance. How much shit you are willing to eat while still calling it birthday cake.

Worse than Swimming in Modesto

My mom always had a funny way of trying to get someone to snap out of their depression. She would repeat story after story about people that were "worse off that you" . Let's see , there was one armed Stacy up the block that could no longer play the drums......There was Debbie Steinbaumwitz who had that operation for her gallstones , a surgical instrument was left inside her and she now can't board a plane for fear of setting off metal detectors. While well intended, these stories never really accomplished their task ...To make me feel better. Instead I was in limbo with my own horrible feelings, and also wondering about the fate of the entire Wantagh Jewish Center (my parents house of worship).

As I gear up for my impending divorce words from attorneys and judges fly over my head. Most of the time I can only grasp about 6 for every 20 that I hear. Phrases like divided assets .....The selling of the marital home .....Residential custodial parent ....Hit me like punches in the center ring.

As we sit across from each other, out of the corner of my eye I watch him. I wonder what he's thinking. Where was that crystal ball 1o years ago when I needed it? If I had really paid attention was the information there for me to have known this was going to happen. How could I have known ? Roy Horn climbed into the cage with a tiger how many times before he was turned into Las Vegas Hamburger Helper? He made a lethal mistake , he forgot what he was dealing with ....A tiger. Maybe I'm Roy Horn.

So are things bad? Sure . Could they be worse? Sure. Could this divorce settlement not go my way, and could I risk loosing everything

But at least I'm not swimming in Modesto.

Update 4:15 -REDWOOD CITY, Calif. - Scott Peterson (news - web sites) was convicted Friday of murdering his pregnant wife and dumping her body in San Francisco Bay in what prosecutors in the made-for-cable-TV case portrayed as a cold-blooded attempt to escape marriage and fatherhood for the bachelor life.

Maybe I should keep the faith.

Phatush TTD List Before Jan 05-Bush 2

1) Have that abortion I always dreamed about.

2) Drink a nice glass of clean water. Who knows when we will be getting one of those again.

3) Have lots of gay sex and visit the library....(or maybe have gay sex in the library)...

4) Encourage my parents to cash their social security checks as soon as they get them. Last time I checked those were running out too.

5) Visit the doctor of my choice.

6) Buy all the porn I can carry out of the adult bookstore.

7) Re-read Miranda out loud ...at least someone in the country will be hearing it over the next 4 years.

8) Hug my draft aged nephew.

9) Harvest my own embryos for stem cell research before I get alzheimers and forget to do it.

10) Think about visiting a nice liberal place like Rwanda.

11) Research Starbucks ownerships in Guantanamo Bay.

12) To promote abstinance for my daughter purchase stock in a new line of chastity belts by Martha Stewart called " The Martha Stewart Lock-Down Collection"

13) Forget about going to my local house of worship- beacause god is no longer on my side.

14) Make a visit to a national park before it gets turned into a Walmart.

15) Get to know my neighbors - Canada and Mexico.

16) Recognize it's been a nice run with freedom for me for almost 40 years ...and it's all downhill from here.