Weight Watchers

Dear Weight Loss Checker ,

It's me ....You know ....Phatush!

Yeah ....Yeah ......It's been 5 weeks and I've dropped a couple of pounds....(I know, It's like the Queen Mary losing a deck chair)

Help me out here .....please.

Far be it for me to tell anyone how to do their job effectively but here are some things that I need from you to make this weight loss journey go a little easier ...

The way I see it you have a long line of fat asses waiting to get weighed in each week ....it can't be easy, right?

I must be honest now and tell you that your lack of enthusiasm each week when you weigh me in is really getting to me .

When I drop 2.6 lbs in a week I have worked hard to make that happen. Trust me ....Eli Weisel wasn't as hungry leaving the camps as I was this week on your fucking diet....and passing up that movie theater popcorn made Sophie's Choice look like an easy one.

I don't need a fireworks display and half time at the Super Bowl ......but you looking up at me and saying ,"good job" would be nice.

As I see it you need to be able to do three things as a "Weight Watcher Weigher"

1) Add and Subtract.

2) Not eat Cheetos while you weigh me in ...or offer me any.

3) SHOW SOME FUCKING SUPPORT FOR HOW I'M DOING EACH WEEK.

Really ...how hard is this?

I'm not asking to crack open peoples heads and play around with gray matter...

So ...what's the problem?

I think I'm just hungry ....that must be it ....

Best Friends ?

Phatush has had many on again and off again relationship over the years.

People may have come in and out of the picture by she has/had a best girlfriend.

AnarchyMom...

This friendship has spanned over 20 years when they both chased around homeless street kids in Times Square ....before the days when Guillani turned PeepWorld into Disneyland. It was some of the best and worst times of Phatush's life, and also when she never felt more alive.

Lets just call it BC- Before Children.

When DRWB was born AnarchyMom was right there flirting with Phatush's OBGYN and giving him a quick course in feminist theory. He, on the hand, was making plans on whether or not to slice into Phatush for an emergency c-section.

10 years later when AnarchyMom was making plan to ditch her current boyfriend and have a child on her own .....Phatush was there.

AnarchyMom's baby daughter was born almost 2 years ago. She has moved to R.I and is trying to manage being a single working mom. This is something that Phatush has first hand knowledge about . Phatush knows that being a single mom is like being a one legged man in an ass kicking contest.

Calls between the two have almost stopped ....even phone tag doesn't take place.

To be fair Phatush and AnarcyMom are in different stages of parenthood. It's been some time since Phatush has changed a diaper and had her hands smell like A and D ointment. AnarchyMom has some time yet to experience the joyful challenges of the sanitary napkin aisle of CVS.

The days of eating on the Lower East Side and spending 2 hours talking about the latest go to film at the Angelica are not possible .....Phatush gets it.

BUT...

Last week at CVS Phatush was indulging in that guilty pleasure called US WEEKLY. She noticed the OctoMom was photographed while making a call on her cell phone to someone. (Here's hoping that it was to the nearest clinic to have both her tubes tied, snipped , burn and rendered useless forever.)

But wait ....Hold on just a sec .....

Single mom ..... 14 kids under the age of 6...... Has time to make a call to someone .....?????

WTF?

Where has AnarchyMom been?

Killer Whales

Why are people shocked when a killer whale ....does the unthinkable and kills someone?

Ahhhh, call Phatush crazy but that's why they are called killer whales.

How did they get their name?..... Lets see.

Back in they day when people were naming shit it went like this ....

"Hey, that whale is grey.......Let's call it a grey whale! "

"Hey, that whale has a hump on it's back .....Let's call it a hump back whale!"

"You know what? ....That whale seems to like to kill shit! .....I know !.....Let's call it a Killer Whale!"

Here,I'll break it down real simple for everyone....

Natural for a killer whales - Dragging some chick around like a rag doll until she drowns, and then eating her for a mid-morning snack.

Unnatural for a killer whales- Riding around with a chick on your back and jumping through a hoop for a piece of left over sushi.

Phatush's favorite part of the story - People were enjoying their overpriced lunch and viewing the whales in their fish bowl when this incident took place. She can hear in now ....

Kid- " Mommy, look at the big scary fish."

Mom- " I know honey ....finish the cold 9 dollar french fries"

Kid-" "Mom, look at that lady in the tank."

Mom- " I said - finish your fries!"

Kid- "Mom, that lady in the tank is bleeding!"

Mom- " I'm wondering if they'll comp our lunch"

The debate is now on about what to do with Tilikum the whale. Should he be released to the open water? .....Made in to dinner for 100 at Terayaki Boy.....?

Phatush thinks that Sea World should be able to make millions off of killer whales as long as they let them chase, hunt, and kill and eat ...one pony tail blond every 6 months.

DAK (Day After Kid) and Black History

One year after the historic election of our first black president this is the person DAK picks to honor Black History Month.

WTF?

Craigslist Hook-up

Yes, DAK (Day After Kid) even at 8 you were burned by Craigslist.

NEWSFLASH - PEOPLE ON CRAIGSLIST LIE!!!!

I know this is hard to understand......

Thank god yours was a free -almost dead- teddy bear hamster - and not a 45 year old weathered pole dancer who claimed to be a dead ringer for Drew Barrymore......... but instead looked like Drew Carey.

This is valuable life lesson that many take forever to learm....

Nothing is for free ........Everything has a price tag................and real ex-models don't look for dates on Craigslist ......okay ....okay ......the last part I was hoping that you wouldn't have to learn until you were at least in 8th grade.

I will hand it to you DAK...... you acted just like most men that were burned by Craigslist .... you looked at the person who was making the offer .....asked if she was really sure the hamster was only 1 year .............asked about the dented taped together cage .............looked a little disappointed ......and then took it home anyway .....

-Just like a man......

Can you find my __________________???????

Phatush spends most of each morning being asked to locate family members various items that have not been seen of since Nixon visited China.

It's a game that would make Monty Hall on Lets Make a Deals head spin. All that's missing is a cash reward when she locates the missing prize.

For example .....

DAK (Day After Kid)- MOM.....Did you see the Lego hat that I had in my pocket this summer when I left for camp....went to my dad's house .......and then spent the weekend there......I think the last time I saw it was after the July 4th fireworks in Battery Park ..............and then I dropped it down the back seat of the other car we sold sometime before school started in September ........?????? or maybe I left it at grandmas ....or maybe in Montauk when we were there this summer .

BH (Baggage Handler) - Yeah .....Where did you put my Rangers tee-shirt .....you know .....the one that doesn't fit ......it's my lucky shirt ......the last time I wore it they won the Stanley Cup ....that was in the mid 90's .....????

DRWB- (Diana Ross Wanna Be )..... (at 11:45 pm on a Sunday night ) I need that THING .....you know .....THAT THING.....How could you not know what I'm talking about???? I need it for TOMORROW.....If I don't have it tomorrow I'll fail out of 7th grade and be a NOTHING like you......you want me to fail .....DON'T YOU??????....IF DAK NEEDED THAT THING YOU'D FIND IT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU'RE THE WORST MOTHER EVER!!!!!!!!!!! I KNEW IT .... You love DAK more than me !!!!!!!

Hear this family .....Phatush is not Matlock ......I'm not even that crazy bitch on Murder She Wrote .....

My uterus is not a homing device !!!!! When you were born they didn't put a GPS up my box that secretly locates missing items.

NEWSFLASH .....

Try looking for what you need in the last place you saw it .....Works every time.

John Edwards

Okay Edwards .....You have really pissed me off.

Fucking around on your nice fat wife who has terminal cancer .......I've heard worse.

Pretending that the kid isn't yours for almost 2 years......(Yup , Dudes always meet up in hotel rooms and hug babies that aren't theirs )

BUT NOW YOU VISIT HAITI A WEEK AFTER THE EARTHQUAKE ????!!!!????!!!!???

Phatush is guessing you brought a date .....or you're trying to score.