The Talk

As far as Phatush is concerned, she has been having "THE TALK" with her 12 year old daughter, DRWB (Diana Ross Wanna Be), for years. You know the talk that I mean... "Your body is changing"... hormones... boys... shopping the sale rack... and all the rest of the topics that make me uncomfortable.


In the past, I've made a job out of teaching teens how to put condoms on bananas, how to get off safely without getting pregnant or, worse, HIV/AIDS, etc. I always managed to do this with both comfort and humor. Now with my own skinny jean wearing, cell phone toting, subway-riding 12 year old, it is a whole other ball game. Even if I talk the "Hey, you can ask me anything" talk, her ear for bullshit is fine tuned.

Last night, in a rare moment when we were not hurling daggers at each other, we sit in her bedroom and talk about: her great sense of style... how nicely she is growing up... and how much older she's getting.

I use this moment of being connected to reach out to her, and it goes something like this:

Phatush: "That outfit you picked out for tomorrow looks great."

DRWB: Thanks

Phatush: "You really are growing up so nicely, it seems like every day you look taller."

DRWB: "Yeah, I know... I need new jeans... black. Buy them tomorrow... and I don't want to try anything on. Buy them without me... and they better fit right... Not boot cut... I hate those. And not 'Old Navy' crap either... I hate those too... (dramatic sigh) My body is changing a lot......"

Phatush: (jumping right on this... and grabbing the moment) "I know... Do you have any questions? ....is there anything you want to ask about these changes?"

(I'm trying to channel Dr. Ruth and Lady Ga Ga all in one breath.)

DRWB: "Yes, there is...... Um, I've wanted ask you stuff.........."

(Now I'm thinking, I haven't lost my touch.... That I really do have this whole teen thing down correctly.... That there is NO WAY my daughter is ever going to be Lindsay Lohan or working at a Hooters on my watch. After all, she has me..... and can talk to her hip mom about anything....)

and then she asks ....

DRWB: "What is that white stuff that is on your teeth in the morning.... You know.... I can sometimes scrape it off with my finger.....?"

and I answer ....

Phatush: "Plaque."

I guess we have a long way to go.