The Dance

Mom, have you ever been to a dance before?

DRWB casually asks this question....... We have set out on our quest to find shoes for the upcoming 5th grade dance .

Shit, where is that cheesy music coming from ....??????

All of a sudden it is 1980 again, and I swear I can hear Todd Rundgren singing ,"Hello Its Me " in the background.

I'm instantly brought back in time to a place I would rather not be.

A sadistic Spanish teacher .... Senorita Moscowitz.... has asked all the 8th grade girls to put one of their shoes in the middle of the dance floor.....this mind fuck can only happen at a school dance.


Phatush is a jewish girl from Long Island, so her shoes are suburban fabulous.....and get spoken for immediately. Much to her delight they are chosen by the 10 year old "it boy"- Eric Estrada Wanna Be.

Eric goes on a quest to find his 13 year old Cinderella and notices Phatush wearing the missing shoe.

At this point Phatush has perfected her Ally Sheedy Breakfast Club look mess of blond curls ......dressed in black . For those of you who know me not much has changed. (long coat with dandruff included) ....she waits for Prince Eric to give her first slow dance.

Eric approaches Phatush ....hands her back the shoe .....and WALKS AWAY.

Phatush did not know this at the time but Prince Eric probably wanted both shoes for the keeping .....to go with his diamond tiara.

Updated - Years later Phatush ran into Eric and his bear boyfriend outside the Ram Rod Club in the East Village. They both looked great.

How do you explain this to a 10 year old?

How do save her from having her heart ripped out of her tween asshole.

My first thought is to break out a fist full of 20 dollar bills and offer them up to all the 5th grade boys in her class to dance with her.

That won't work - the asst. principal banned all parents from the event............. (and I asked)

I'm left with just trying to help her navigate and develop during this time with as few battle scars as possible.

good luck.